On Spanx

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Of all of the fashion trends that fell out of style, I think the one I am happiest to see go was the girdle.

Look, girdles were awesome and useful back when women wore dresses all the time. They were often said (in literature, at least) to have magical and/or protective powers, depending upon who was wearing them. Girdles were (and sometimes still are) considered erotic and sexy, which gave women some semblance of sexual control (always a good thing). I still think girdles (although nowadays they tend to be called “shapewear” to make them sound less Grandma-esque, I suppose) are super helpful for certain occasions when you want to be smooth. I wore Spanx to my bridal shower and wedding, along with a handful of other events.

However, when the aliens come to earth a thousand years from now, they’re going to look at Spanx and think, “These are casings for people sausage.”

Seriously.

Have you ever tried to put on Spanx? They’re wonderful for smoothing and shaping, and they are actually pretty comfy–once they’re on. GETTING them on, however, if a completely different story.

Spanx are tight–helpful for holding things in (and holding things in place). If I’m going to an event for which I’ll be wearing Spanx, I usually shower first, which means as I’m getting dressed, my skin is usually still a little damp.You know that sound that a balloon makes when you lick your finger and then rub the balloon? I’m pretty sure that’s the sound my skin makes when wriggling–and I do mean wriggling–into a pair of Spanx after a shower. My husband usually has to help me get into them and get them pulled up to my armpits so I can hook them to my bra (that’s the secret to holding the Spanx up–you hook ’em to your bra).

“But what about your underwear,” you may ask, “doesn’t that help provide something that stops the friction on your skin?”

If you’re asking that, dear reader, then you have clearly never worn Spanx in their intended way. You aren’t supposed to wear underwear with Spanx. That’s why there’s a pee hole.

Yeah, you heard me, there’s a pee hole.

And you’d best thank GOD there’s a pee hole once you’re squished into those things–because once they’re on, they ain’t comin’ off anytime soon.

Still, I love how smooth they make my tummy. And like I said, once they’re on, they’re really comfy. I kinda like being squeezed like that–it’s kind of like a ThunderCoat for humans. It’s like getting a full body hug from your shapewear. I really can’t sing the praises of Spanx enough–every good thing you’ve heard about them is true.

But they’re still casings for people sausage.

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